Big Newt is BACK!: An Emergency Audience With Dr. James Dobson
(The story so far: Newt Gingrich has sworn vengeance against mankind and vowed that nothing will stop him from taking the White House. Newt has turned in Tom DeLay to collect reward money and bitch-slapped the head of the American Conservative Union. He has pinned another leading conservative’s hand to a conference table with a commemorative legislative signing pen because he called Newt “divisive.” Newt then sent a busload of Cato Institute libertarians to their deaths in the icy Potomac because they were critical of his corrupt congress and big government conservatism. A car filled with emissaries sent by Mitt Romney to negotiate a peace was crushed into a large metal cube at a local junkyard. The GOP leadership sent Ann Coulter to relay a threat to expose one of Newt’s numerous extramarital affairs, but Newt fed her to alligators in the pit beneath his office.)
(Scene: The Washington HQ of Doctor James Dobson. Dobson is standing before a full length mirror, trying on religious vestments, capes and regalia; a tailor is fitting a papal tiara on his head. Dobson studies it a moment, then:)
Dobson: Nope. Still too Catholic. (takes it off and hands it to tailor) It would spook the herd, they hate Catholics. I’m looking for something a little more understated. Something that says “I represent God on this earth and in American politics,” but not so “dago flashy,” you know what I mean?
Tailor: I think so, Mr. Dobson.
Dobson: (grabs him by the shirt) DOCTOR Dobson.
Tailor: Yes, of course, Doctor Dobson—
Dobson: You may go. I’ve got someone waiting.
(Once the tailor has gone, Dobson looks around to make sure the room is empty and then turns a cross hanging on the wall upside down. It opens a secret door in the wall, there is a pneumatic “whoosh” and Newt Gingrich appears. As Gingrich steps into the room, Dobson twists the cross back into position and the secret door disappears.)
Dobson: Sorry I had to bring you up the “back way,” Newt, but it wouldn’t do to have people see you come in through the front door. No offense, but you’re not exactly the flavor of the month around D.C. these days.
Gingrich:(holding up his hand) Say no more, Doc. Yer preachin’ to the converted.
Dobson: Good. You said on the phone you had a situation.
Gingrich: Yeah. I got a visit from an old pal today. She let on that there’s pictures of me in private circulation—pictures of me and a certain young lady who was not my wife, “private moments kind of photos,” you know…and these pictures was taken during the whole big Lewinsky brouhaha…
Dobson:(whistles) That’s bad.
Dobson: You musta figured on this, Newt. That’s the way they GOP got you to resign from Congress back in ’98, ain’t it? Threatened to spill the bimbo thing to the media, if you didn’t blow town, I heard.
Gingrich:(growling) Who told you that?
Dobson:(smiling) I got some of my people in Congress, Newt. The big boys don’t like you. Yes, they were pretty mad about the impeachment thing backfiring, and the budget battle backfiring, and the loss of seats in Congress. That was curtains for you, Newt.
Gingrich: You turnin’ your back on me, too, Doc?
Dobson: It’s business, it’s not personal, Newt.
Gingrich:(leaning forward) It’s all personal, Doc. I take everything—personal.
Dobson:(goes white) B-b-but…what can I do about it—
Gingrich: I’ll tell you what you’re gonna do about it, “Your Holiness.” You’re gonna put me on that radio show of yours, “Hocus-Pocus on the Family” or whatever it’s called—
Dobson: But Newt, I—
Gingrich:--and I’m going to spill the beans about this affair MYSELF. Personally.
Dobson: (sees the angle) Oh…I get it…beat them to the punch.
Gingrich: Yeah. A kind of “on the air” confession, see?
Dobson: My listeners would go nuts over that. They love anything with an illicit sex angle—
Gingrich: One hand washes the other, right, Doc?
Dobson: You can say you’re deeply sorry for what you’ve done, for your hypocrisy—
Gingrich: NO! No “hypocrisy” stuff. I’ll tell ‘em I was under a lot of stress, it was an issue of principle, I had to keep my adultery a secret in order to try and get an adulterer out of the White House. I’ll say that I was a different person then, I’ve learned my lesson.
Dobson: (thinks a moment, then) They’d buy it. Dr. Laura’s still on the air, and she did beaver shots. If I forgive you, the chumps’ll have to forgive you, too. And I’ve got millions of chumps—They’ll even pay to get a copy of the broadcast…
Gingrich: Exacta-mundo. So I get millions of evangelicals, your blessing, and these punks can’t hang this shit over my head no more.
Dobson: I gotta hand it to you, Newt, you’re still a master. But—if you don’t mind me asking—what’s in it for the old Dobster?
Gingrich: You get a White House that won’t laugh at you and your peeps whenever your backs are turned. You get another crack at faith-based initiatives cash, which you will be “consulted on distribution of”(winks). And you get a few of your personal monkeys in Congress promoted up the food chain—
Dobson: Department of Education?
Gingrich: Why not? And best of all--you DON’T get your 501(c) (3) status reviewed by the Justice Department.
Dobson:(strokes his chin, then holds out his hand) Deal.
Gingrich: Thought you’d see it my way, Doc. (shakes Dobson’s hand, then examines his wrist to make sure his Rolex is still there.) Now—we put this on the air Friday, with plenty of advance press. What should I say?
Dobson: Just leave it to me. I think it should go something like this: