Big Newt Is BACK (Part FIVE, yes Part FIVE)
(Newt Gingrich craves power again, and this time nothing’s going to stop him. So far he’s turned in Tom DeLay to fund his campaign war chest and bitch-slapped the head of the American Conservative Union until he agreed to spin their presidential straw poll in Newt’s favor. Then Newt pinned another leading conservative’s hand to a conference table with a commemorative legislative signing pen because he called Newt “divisive.” A bus load of Cato Institute libertarians critical of Newt’s big government conservatism mysteriously plunged into the Potomac after “someone” cut its brake cables. A panicky John McCain asked self-styled conservative frontrunner Mitt Romney to form an alliance to stop a Gingrich comeback, but Romney’s nerve failed after Gingrich sent his Romney’s emissaries and their automobile back to him in the form of a large metal cube that had been through a junkyard car crusher.)
(Scene: Gingrich’s new palatial estate outside Alexandria , Virginia . Newt leans back in his chair, studies the papers, grinning in satisfaction.)
Gingrich: Heh heh heh.
(A goon in a suit enters the office.)
Goon: Some bimbo outside to see ya, boss.
Gingrich:(narrowing his eyes) Bimbo? It ain’t DeLay, is it? I cracked him good, he should still be the prison hospital—
Goon: Nah, boss. Dis is one them blonde bimbos what wears a skoit. You know, a dame.
Gingrich: Hmm. Does she look pregnant?
Goon: No. Kinda trampy, though, you know, leather, smelled of liquor—
Gingrich: Ann Coulter! Sure, let her in, ya dumb ox.
(Goon motions Coulter into room. She and Newt grin at each other.)
Gingrich: Been a long time, Annie.
Ann: Too long, Newt.
Gingrich: You’re still look’ hot, Annie. In a horsey, ravaged by liquor sort of way. Why don’t you relax, take off your pants? (gestures to chair opposite desk) Park it right there.
Coulter: Don’t mind if I do. But I’ll keep my pants on, when you’re around. I learned that the hard way. Can’t a girl get a drink around this dump?
Gingrich: (presses intercom) Lumpy, get Miss Coulter a cocktail. (looks at Coulter again) In fact, ya better bring the bottle wit you.
(Gingrich leans back in his chair, rest his hands on his belly, smiles:)
Gingrich: So… You called Edwards a faggot in public, eh?
Coulter: (smiles, shrugs) My contribution to a more civil discourse. I gotta do something like that at least once a month, my agent says it moves an extra million books.
Gingrich:(chuckles) That’s my Annie. You could be my illegitimate daughter, you know that?
Coulter: Don’t flatter yourself. (Downs her drink, to goon serving drinks:) Never mind, Jeeves, I’ll take it from here. (grabs the bottle, takes a swig, then offers it to Gingrich) Ain’t you havin’ none?
Gingrich: I got my own, right here. (He drinks from a little can, gasps, then explains:) Sterno. Got a taste for the stuff when I was on the bum, after they tossed my ass out of the leadership. Nothin’ else seems to do the trick, anymore. (blinks a hundred times quickly, then:)
Gingrich: So what’s the pitch, sweet cheeks?
Coulter: It ain’t good, Newt. They sent me to see ya cause they figured you wouldn’t kill me. The party leadership don’t want ya.
Gingrich: (smiles) No?
Coulter: No. Yer name’s doit.
Gingrich: Anybody else in the world said dat to me, I’d put my foot on the little button here under the desk, the trapdoor would open and they’d be swimmin’ with the alleygators.
Coulter: But you wouldn’t do that to me, Newt.
Gingrich: I wouldn’t do that to the alleygators. But the leadership, Ann—they’ve gone soft. And I am comin’ back. (holds out paper) Look at this—I had the Associated Press lined up for years, and they didn’t even notice. Look at that—another article presenting quotes from your truly, quotes about “how to reform government,” “how to make government work again”—the AP! Quoting ME! As an expert on effective government!
(Gingrich and Coulter laugh.)
Coulter: Incredible, baby. The Associated Press…How’d you do it?
Gingrich:(shrugs) It’s this AP reporter they got, Ron Fournier. He can always be trusted to kiss my ass in print, coast to coast. He’s been doin’ it for years.
Coulter: You got somethin’ on him?
Gingrich: (smiles, puts a finger to his lips.)
Coulter: Whatever it is, Newt, it ain’t enough. (leans forward) Cause WE got something on YOU.
(Gingrich’s smile fades.)
Coulter: (nods yes, then pull a manila envelope out of her hot pants, tosses it to him.)
(Gingrich opens up the pictures, gets a gander at them.)
Coulter: Remember her, Newt? These were taken at the height of the Monica Lewinsky scandal, when you were calling for Clinton ’s head. Looks like that wasn’t the only head you were interested in.
Gingrich: You threatenin’ to release these to the press?
Coulter: Not if you go quietly.
Gingrich: (stares at her a moment then) I’ll think it over.
(Gingrich presses the concealed button and Coulter drops through a trap door. There is a splash from below and we hear splashing, thrashing and snapping.)
Gingrich:(looking to down into the pit) Sorry, boys. But if you go easy on her, she may just go easy on you. (Closes trap door. Picks up phone on desk, dials number. Studies photos while he waits for answer.) Hmm. Looks like I put on a little weight since then. (speaks into phone) Yeah… It’s Gingrich. I got a problem. I need to speak to the Doc. Yeah, that’s right. Doctor…James Dobson.
Voice Over: Tune in tomorrow for another episode of: Big Newt Is Back!