Tuesday, June 27, 2006

National: Rush Limbaugh Is A Big Fat Idiot Who Can't Get It Up

Here’s the story; and here is the background that matters: Rush was getting high for years, doing his show while he was on tens of thousands of dollars worth of illegally obtained narcotics. He was busted, and prosecutors claimed that the conservative hero had illegally deceived multiple doctors so he could receive overlapping painkiller prescriptions. Last month the authorities agreed to defer the criminal charge of “doctor shopping” if Limbaugh was not arrested for any similar infraction for 18 months.

But now Rush has been busted for possession of Viagra.

I will omit the obvious round of Rush-needs-Viagra jokes here; there are too many comics and web sites who will be doing that this week. It’s not funny; I myself am at an age when I can barely raise the Viagra up to my lips. I’m in my late forties; in my youth I was a wild stallion--but these days, every time I get an erection the statue at the Lincoln Memorial can be seen standing up and taking a bow out of respect.

The funny thing to me is the claim that his physician wouldn’t put the Viagra prescription in Rush’s real name because he wanted to save the patient some embarrassment. Save him “embarrassment?” It’s the top story on the Internet, for Christ’s sakes! Why didn’t you just prescribe the guy a neon sign? “CAN’T—GET—IT—UP!”

And why did they hold Rush “three hours” over a bottle of Viagra? Maybe Customs held him for three hours because he couldn’t get it DOWN. Maybe he popped a couple of those babies on the plane, and Customs officials pulled him over because he had a “visible” when he “walked kind of funny” into the airport--and then they were afraid to “release him back into the community” again until he was “calmed down,” three hours later.

Or maybe he was just “mouthin’ ” to the Customs guys about how “this was an outrage” and “I’m a big star” and “I’ll sue you sons-of-bitches!” That’s always a mistake, folks—especially when you got a bottle of misdemeanor Viagra in your bag in violation of your plea bargain. “Mouthin’ “ at Customs officers is a sure-fire way for Rush to get hauled off and end up with a rubber-gloved finger up his ass in cold back room. And him with an artificial hard-on at the time! What a MORTIFYING image! And I bet they confiscated his Cuban cigars, too.

Of course these are just theories. But here is some commentary, and a mystery for you to solve:

Rush Limbaugh (October 5th, 1995) on people who violate drug laws: "Drug use, some might say, is destroying this country. And we have laws against selling drugs, pushing drugs, using drugs, importing drugs. ... And so if people are violating the law by doing drugs, they ought to be accused and they ought to be convicted and they ought to be sent up…"

Of course Rush wasn’t talking about illegal Viagra—no, he was talking about hard drugs, the kind of narcotics that he was doing in secret for years.

Now here’s the mystery. My understanding is that Limbaugh, who’s been divorced three times, has been single since 2004.

Which leads to the next question: even if he can’t get it up anymore, what does he need the Viagra FOR?

We must infer that America’s most prominent conservative is currently screwing someone. (Besides his regular listeners, I mean.)

He was coming back from a vacation in the Dominican Republic with a bottle of Viagra. So we can infer three things: he was there for the beach, the golf--and to get laid. The guy’s fifty-five years old, tells us every day that’s he’s a conservative, and he’s been preaching the conservative gospel of personal responsibility and self-control on his hit radio show for decades (even when he was high on drugs.)

Most significantly, he claims to be a true believer in “abstinence and responsibility in all matters involving sexual activity.” (That’s a quote from a profile of Limbaugh by New York Times reporter that appeared in Cigar Aficionado.)

So what’s the deal--is El Rushbo fornicating, while telling others not to? “Getting some” without benefit of holy matrimony? With who? Somebody please explain how this is consistent with the “principles” of the American right.

Otherwise I fear I will never understand how this conservatism thing is supposed to work in the real world we all live in.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Survey: Bush Not That Upset, Really

A headline announced that President Bush was upset about a report that U.S. Marines allegedly killed two dozen Iraqi civilians in an unprovoked attack last November. An opinion poll conducted by the Stillwater Tribune asked citizens exactly how upset they thought Bush was by this untoward incident.

Twelve per cent of poll respondents answered that Bush and American conservatives care as much about the unprovoked massacre of a bunch of Iraqi civilians as they do about the sky-rocketing price of a gallon of gas.

An astonishing eighty-eight per cent of those surveyed believe that Bush was less upset about the alleged murders than he was about a possible delay in the release of the “Complete Season One of the Flintstones” on DVD.

To participate in our latest poll, see the box below and to the right on this web page.

ATTENTION: My old pal Donj (pronounced “don-jay”), whom I haven’t seen in fifteen years, is writing in to this blog but refuses to give me his contact information, despite my repeated pleas. If anyone knows where Donj is, please tell him. Then instruct him to go to the nearest police station and get in touch with me. Thank you.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Pentagon To Homosexuals: Get Well Soon, Or Else

“A Pentagon document classifies homosexuality as a mental disorder, decades after mental health experts abandoned that position.

The document outlines retirement or other discharge policies for service members with physical disabilities, and in a section on defects lists homosexuality alongside mental retardation and personality disorders.”

So what? When I was a little kid we were taught that homosexuals were sick; why should that become untrue simply because the medical and psychiatric professions abandoned that view more than thirty years ago? Isn’t the officer at the Pentagon who wrote that document entitled to have his own opinion, even if it is a minority opinion? I suppose the author's career will soon be brought to a close; another victim of the current vogue for “medical correctness.”

Anyway, it’s not like there’s some kind of stigma attached to homosexuality anymore. Even prominent American conservatives may have this awful “disease.” (The vice-president's daughter is a chronic sufferer.) A surprisingly high number of “afflicted” right-wing politicians, lobbyists, and pundits are subject to “attacks of homosexuality” while hanging around bars in Washington, D.C. Many of these unfortunates meet in the bushes at night in public parks seeking "treatment." Some of them may even suffer a "relapse" in a men’s restroom later the same evening.

The first step towards helping these poor people is to acknowledge that they are sick and we are not. Then we can round them up and put them in some kind of institution where they could get some help, for God’s sake. Electro-shock therapy, like they used to do to gays in the early Sixties.

Still--readers should note that the Pentagon can be idiosyncratic in its health policies, and sometimes diagnoses diseases that are not recognized by the medical community at large.

For example, the Pentagon has identified a condition known as “negro-itis,” a syndrome which causes soldiers to have “darker skin than normal.” The disease is not found in standard medical works, but a soldier suffering from advanced “negro-itis” is often deemed unfit for promotion. The only known treatment is transfer to combat duty. The Pentagon also recognizes a related complaint called “hispan-itis” in military personnel of Latino descent.

Another ailment regularly diagnosed by the Pentagon but not by the medical community is “vaginism,” a birth disorder that causes the victim to be born without a penis. The sufferer’s private parts invert inwards instead of extending outwards like a man’s. Such a person is therefore congenitally ineligible for any position of serious responsibility in the Armed Forces, although they may be permitted to perform secretarial duties around the office and make coffee. Soldiers with “vaginism” may also suffer from a feeling of being grabbed around the behind and breasts by officers who do not have the syndrome, and an occasional feeling of helplessness.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

National: Republicans Deny Any Association With Bush, GOP

"This would not be a close election if George Bush was popular. This would not be a close election if there wasn't a war in Iraq," said Republican Congressman Christopher Shays of Connecticut. “And if my aunt had balls, she’d be my uncle,” Shays added bitterly.

Shays was speaking from inside the trunk of his car, where he was hiding during a scheduled Bush stop-over in his district. The nervous Congressman now finds himself in a tight race with a Democrat in a district he has represented for 19 years, and is seeking to distance himself from an increasingly unpopular President.

Shays is not alone. Around the country, GOP incumbents are attempting to downplay their past support for and former associations with the President. In Pennsylvania, New Mexico, Florida, Kentucky, and New Hampshire, Republican Congressmen from districts that voted for Kerry in 2004 are denying any affiliation with the GOP or its leaders.

“The Republican what? Never heard of it,” said one GOP House Committee Chairman facing reelection this year. “No pictures,” he added, putting his hat in front of his face.

In some cases the White House is actually helping endangered Congressmen to hide their former support for White House policies. The administration has implemented a plan similar to the Federal Witness Protection Program to protect Republicans from association with their political party and the Bush team.

“The program is great, it gives you a new name, address, and makes it practically impossible for Bush to find you,” said a GOP Representative from New Jersey. “They gimme a new nose and dyed my hair. I’m goin’ nuts in dis small town, but whuddya gonna do? If I’m seen wit Bush, it’s coitins.” The program also provides GOP candidates with doctored photos which depict them giving the President “the bird,” or holding their nose while he delivers a speech.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Local: Anti-Gay Politician With Lesbian Daughter Supports Anti-Gay Politician With Lesbian Sister

Here it is, hot off the wire, courtesy of one of our readers:

Congressional candidate Bachmann attracts help from Cheney

Associated Press
ST. PAUL - State Sen. Michele Bachmann will get some White House help in her bid for Congress.
Vice President Dick Cheney is scheduled to appear at a fundraiser on Bachmann's behalf on June 26 in a suburb west of Minneapolis, according to an invitation to the event obtained by The Associated Press.
Neither the White House nor Bachmann's campaign has been willing to discuss the visit over the past week.
The invitation says Cheney will appear at the home of William and Karen Hawks on the shore of Lake Minnetonka. It gives guests the choice between a $250 per person reception or a more intimate reception and photo opportunity with Cheney for $1,000...

Okay--here is my very best offer. I'm not paying any more than three hundred bucks for the whole package. Put me down for that very special "intimate" reception with Bachmann and Cheney. When they say "intimate," do they mean "clothing optional?" If so I expect a bigger break on the price, because they'll probably want to see my scar, where the dog bit me.

And I'll take three eight-by-ten "gag" photos of me and Bachmann looking worried with our hands up, and Cheney pointing his shot gun at us (different poses.) But no "head shots," please--HA HA HA, that's pretty good.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Crime: Dante Bites The Big One

Finally, a piece of news that will cheer all my conservative fans. This morning I was taking a nap with my dog on the couch and she bit my penis.

Now I know that this blog normally focuses on local and national politics, and that by breaking this personal story on the Web I could fairly be accused of providing the readers with “too much information.” For a while I considered trying to keep it a secret—but what if it came out later and I was accused of a cover-up? I have nothing to hide; better to get it out into the open.

I spent the better part of the day trying to think up the best way to break the news, but I couldn’t come up with anything that sounded “dignified.” So here are the bare-bones facts:

My dog, Dante, is a Chihuahua (seven pounds, soaking wet.) She is normally very affectionate and she enjoys taking a nap nuzzled up in my armpit. I was sleeping on the couch this morning, as is my wont; I think I may have been having a dream about how Winona Ryder might express her gratitude to me for helping her beat a shoplifting rap. As you male readers know, the moments between sleeping and waking often constitute a time of “deep feeling” for men; our nether regions take on a life of their own. Uncontrollable but unconscious passion is afoot, and so it was with me this morning. (Attention female readers: this biological phenomenon begins in males at about age twelve, and continues to recur until death and for some time after.)

I had a blanket drawn over me and Dante was comfortably situated beneath, snoring away in slavish imitation of her beloved master. Fast asleep, I reveled in the arms of some luxurious fantasy--probably dreaming of the endearments that a grateful and naked Winona would whisper in my ear as I posted her bail. My reverie must have been accompanied by some involuntary thrusting, and I suppose that the regular and insistent prodding in the head may have irritated my little four-legged friend. I dimly remember hearing a sort of a faraway “growling” noise.

The very next instant I felt an awful CHOMP! on the head of my penis, like a crocodile snapping a broomstick in half.

It was this that brought me to full consciousness. And it was but the work of a moment with me to fully appreciate my predicament--I cannot remember my exact thoughts, but I think it was something like: “Man’s best friend, INDEED!” Cat-like reflexes took over and I rose rapidly from the couch, my eyeballs extending like two Faberge eggs. Dante growled again, annoyed that my involuntary agonized convulsions and epileptic commentary had put an end to her own siesta. She leapt down from the couch to the carpet without so much as a backward glance or how-d’you-do.

Snappishness is characteristic of the breed, but this knowledge provides scant comfort when you are in the doctor’s office with your trousers down, waiting for a prescription for antibiotics. Dressing the wound was impossible because Dante had bitten me on the “glans” (the utmost tip of the penis.) As many of you already know, this is an especially sensitive area. My physician confidently informed me that a bandage “won’t stay on” the glans, and I had no reason to doubt him—so I am now compelled to “go commando.”

The injury is superficial but painful—a dark blue-red scarring that looks something like an outline map of Massachusetts. It will be there for some time and will serve no practical purpose, unless we need dental impressions of the dog’s teeth.

I am the first to admit that this incident may hold some small amusement value for others. But is hard for me personally to “see the bright side.” Of course, as always, it could have been worse. I was wearing pants at the time of the attack, and my sturdy linens probably saved me from the horrors of emergency surgery.

Still--as I left the office, I wondered if Dante would not be happier in a pet cemetery, where she could rest undisturbed. These dark musings eventually passed and in the end I decided to fall back on the Catholic fatalism that is so typical of my Celtic ancestors. One thing I did know for sure as I stepped out into the summer sunshine: the day could only get better from now on.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

International: YEEEESSSSSSS!!! Congrats to US Pilots!

They got Zarqawi this morning! RIP, MF.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Nation: DeLay Tells GOP To “Stand On Principle”

No, I am NOT kidding you; the headline to this article is a REAL headline, not a satirical one I made up.

It was DeLay’s farewell to the troops--his final address to the weekly meeting of House Republicans, so I don’t know how the issue of ‘principles’ even came up. DeLay, former House Majority leader and key sponsor of the GOP’s history-making “Contract With Jack Abramoff”, is facing trial in Texas on campaign money laundering charges.

Listening to a speech from Tom DeLay on the importance of “standing on principle” is like listening to a speech from Mike Dukakis about “how to run a great presidential campaign.”

But we don’t know what DeLay actually said. The meeting was held behind closed doors, as usual--no reporters allowed. We only have DeLay’s word for what went on during the meeting. Thus, we are forced to guess.

“Several rounds of applause and cheers could be heard from behind the closed doors,” says the news story. I think this signifies that the departing DeLay was finally sharing the secrets behind some of his legendary “money-laundering” tricks with his former colleagues.

Like a professional magician, a corrupt conservative must keep his methods secret in order to keep them effective when it comes to fooling the public. I suspect that DeLay was winning the applause of his GOP peers by telling them how to do his famous “pulling a lobbyist out of a hat” trick, or showing them the secrets behind his amazing “born-again Christian smoke and mirrors” routine.

“When (the doors of the meeting room) were opened to let a congresswoman in, members could be seen on their feet, cheering and applauding,” the story continues. The standing ovation could only mean one thing—DeLay was admitting a junior congresswoman to the room so she could serve as his “lovely assistant” during a demonstration of his spectacular finale: his “sawing a bribe in half” trick, a longtime favorite with his GOP underlings.

Before he disappearing in a cloud of sulfurous purple smoke and laser beams, DeLay cheered his former friends by telling them that he expected the GOP to keep the House after the November elections.

They gotta keep the House, man; they mortgaged it to the hilt!

(What does the picture up there mean, the picture of the guy about to eat the roast weenie? It doesn't mean anything! I just put it there to add visual interest. Watch for more great graphics like that in the future--I bought a clip art CD for only FIVE BUCKS!!!)

Monday, June 05, 2006

Faith: Importance of Remembering That God Made The Lioness, Too

Lioness in zoo kills man who invoked God
Mon Jun 5, 8:31 AM ET

KIEV (Reuters) - A man shouting that God would keep him safe was mauled to death by a lioness in Kiev zoo after he crept into the animal's enclosure, a zoo official said on Monday.

"The man shouted 'God will save me, if he exists', lowered himself by a rope into the enclosure, took his shoes off and went up to the lions," the official said.

"A lioness went straight for him, knocked him down and severed his carotid artery."

The incident, Sunday evening when the zoo was packed with visitors, was the first of its kind at the attraction. Lions and tigers are kept in an "animal island" protected by thick concrete blocks.

How do you like that sentence there in the last paragraph? “The incident…was the first of its kind at the attraction.” Oh, really? It’s a good thing you told us that, Mr. Writer—I thought it was a sort of “regular bit” they did there at the Kiev Zoo on weekends, like the “All About Birds” show or “Our Friends, The Seals” spectacular. I thought they announced it over the loudspeakers every day: “Attention, ladies and gentlemen—be sure not to miss this week’s “Crazy Man Calls On God To Protect Him From The Lions” show, over by the bleachers in our Big Cat Island area. Shows at 1:30, 3:30 and 5:30 pm.”

But they don’t do that, apparently it was just a one-time thing. That’s good reporting; making sure the readers understand that, because you don’t want them to show up at the zoo next week and get all upset because they brought the kids and paid for little granny Babushka and everything and there’s no religious maniac ready to jump into the lion cage for them.

Anyway—what is the moral of the story? This writer’s opinion: God DOES exist. But he doesn’t like wise asses—and neither do lionesses with PMS, so don’t go screwing around with ropes and zoos and lions’ dens. I’m tellin’ you ‘cause I love ya, man.

You wanna lower yourself into something and call on God to save you, then you better lower yourself into the penguin cage, not the lion cage. You can outrun those penguins, get back up over the wall. That way, you and God both look good. You lower yourself into a lion cage and challenge God to save you, He may do it and He may not—either way, YOU look like an ass.

God made the sea and the earth and sky and the planets and the stars and all of that shit could be dangerous to you if you act like an asshole. So you stay out of that lion cage.

Stay away from the alligators, too. And you can forget about that tiger. Tiger don’t care if you got a personal relationship with Jesus, tiger don’t care how loud you pray. Don’t matter if you got the biggest, shiniest St. Christopher’s Medal in the world--tiger gonna eat you first and then spit that shit out.

Trust in the Lord, but don’t ever treat him like He’s the butler and He’s got to come and help you every time you ring a little bell.

Peace out.